Tooth Fairy Business

So I don’t know about your’s but our Tooth Fairy needs to step it up a bit.

Last night she got up from her favorite spot on the couch and reported to her quite masculine Fairy husband, “I’m heading to bed. I’ve been on my wings all day and they’re beat.”

“OK, I’m right behind you,” he responded, not turning his attention from the TV. “Hey!” he said with eyes now looking at hers. “Did you remember that little guy on Underwood Road that lost a bottom tooth earlier today?”

“Holy fairy dust NO! I’ll be right back!” she replied reflexively before having a chance to say something more like, “Do you think I’d forget something like that?”

She fluttered in moments later, “Do you have some change?” she asked. “I’m dried up and for obvious reasons I can’t write a check.”

“All I have is a $10,” he replied, after checking his tiny wallet.

“Well, there is no way I’m increasing my rate to $10!” she stated adamantly. “He has 15 more teeth to lose, his older sister has 8, and his younger sister hasn’t even started dropping them! That would be $430 before I’m done with the Leatherman Family!”

“Why don’t you take a $5 from his little sister’s piggy bank like you did last time and pay her back later when you’ve been to the ATM.” he said offering a problem solving suggestion from his cozy chair.

“Already checked. She doesn’t have any $5’s. Just two $1’s, a couple of $20’s, and several IOU’s from her mom.” she replied having already gone to her go-to “NO CASH” problem solving solution.

“Being a Tooth Fairy is hard work, you know!” she went on. “Santa and the Easter Bunny don’t know how good they’ve got it. Their time to shine is once a year and they can plan ahead! Not with teeth! They can fall out any day, anytime, prepared or not.”

“I still can’t forget the time I forgot to come when Sophia lost a front tooth! A FRONT TOOTH! What competent Tooth Fairy forgets a front tooth! The memory of that failure still haunts me today.”

The Tooth Fairy continued talking about that mishap like she often does when something is bothering her. “Sophia was so upset. I can still see her holding that rootless front tooth like a precious jewel in the palm of her little hand and I can almost hear her ask, ‘why didn’t the TooF Fairy want my toof?’”

“Do you remember how Sophia’s mom had to step in and do my job?! she asked, attempting to engage her husband. “My JOB!” she repeated with a dash more drama.

“Thank goodness Sophia’s mom sprang into action on my behalf and stealthily snuck a $5 from her wallet.”

“Do you remember the exhale?” still hoping to suck him into her relapse.  “Well, I do! It was an exhaled of relief that she had cash on her at all! She then told Sophia to come with her to her room. Then after telling Sophia to look around in her bed for the money, she got under the bed and of course found the $5 that Sophia had ‘knocked out of her bed while sleeping wildly from all the excitement of knowing that a fairy was going to be in her room while she was asleep'”.

“It got worse before it got better though.” the Tooth Fairy said with disappointment. “While Sophia was relieved that her Tooth Fairy hadn’t forgotten her and had indeed left her some cash, she was still concerned that the TooF Fairy didn’t want her toof.”

“Well, her quick-witted, lying mother impressively didn’t skip a beat and said, ‘Oh, Sophia! How exciting!!! This must be your one special tooth that the tooth fairy lets you keep!’”

“You see Sophia, of all 20 teeth you lose the Tooth Fairy chooses just one special tooth to let you keep forever or until you lose it somewhere in your room!!!”

“Now what a wonderful morning this has turned out to be!” her Mom said before moving on to her next mothering task.

The Tooth Fairy, finally returning to her present issue at hand, stated to her Fairy husband, who had just tucked his wings into bed, “What am I going to do? I can’t bear to watch their mother lie again!”.

Her empathetic husband, who of course had heard every word that his Fairy wife had spoken, lay there in the bed, frozen in horror like he had made the mistake himself.

“Do you think he is old enough to understand credit? She continued, not receiving an answer from her husband who was possibly in the first phase of sleep vs. frozen with horror.

“Maybe I could write him a short little note,” she said pleased with herself and still talking out loud not caring if there is always someone around to listen.

“It would have to be with my left hand of course. It could say something like…

Dear Harrison,

I noticed that you have another lose tooth that will most likely come out in the next week or so. I’m going to go ahead and leave you a $10 NOW, paying you for BOTH this tooth under your pillow and for the loose one in your mouth. I’m going to let you keep this tooth, that is not yet lost, as your 1 special tooth that I don’t take. (Just ask Sophia about it.)

So remember, when your next tooth falls out, you are getting jack-squat, nada, zilch from me. Understand?

Love, Your Tooth Fairy

P.S. You can do anything you want with your 1 special tooth other than take it to school for “Show and Tell”. Not all Tooth Fairies have this “Keep 1 Special Tooth” rule and it could upset your classmates. I know, it’s sad.”

Well, after flitting and flying all over her tiny house she came up with 5 dollars but had to contain all the quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies with a Zip-Lock bag. Due to the weight and noise, she was barely able to slip her payment under the sweet, toothless head of the boy, sound asleep on Underwood Road…but she did.

For the reasons discussed above we have fired our Tooth Fairy. Tomorrow, I am going to sit down with Haley, my 4-year-old, and lie. I’m going to tell her that the Tooth Fairy and I have come up with an offer she won’t be able to refuse. The conversation will go something like this.

“So Haley, in a couple of years your teeth are going to start falling out of your head. It will only hurt a little bit and there will be only a little bit of blood, unless your gum sticks to any residual root, then there will be more blood.

Don’t worry Haley. These baby teeth will be replaced by permanent teeth that may possibly, if you take after your father, seem unusually large at first, but with braces and time you will hopefully grow into them like he did.

(All time FAV pic of the man I said “Yes” to!)

So here are your choices: 1. You can either put these teeth under your pillow and then while you are sleeping a fairy will sneak into your room, take your tooth, and leave you $5. You must remember though, in addition to $5 buying little to nothing of a toy that will probably be thrown out in a week or two because you won’t put it away, I know you worry about things being in your room while you are sleeping, thus making us keep the closet light on.
Or, 2. The Tooth Fairy told me to tell you that she will give you $100 now for all 20 of your teeth PLUS 15% to cover inflation as well as the time savings she appreciates not having to come 20 times vs. once to deliver your $115.

There is one condition to choice #2 though that will ultimately be to your benefit. We have decided that you can spend $20 of your total tooth payment now to fulfill fleshly desires of immediate gratification but the less amount will be deposited into an aggressive growth fund.

So not only will you get to keep all of your teeth, while your siblings got to keep only one special tooth, your gross Tooth Fairy profit will far exceed theirs’s in the distant future. You might even be able to buy a cheap car!

I think the choice is obvious here Haley! I can hardly wait to see the art project you come up with using all those teeth! Surely to be a Father’s Day gift to remember for a lifetime!”