Welcome to Starbucks

“Good-morning! Welcome to Starbucks! How can I help you?” she said with a bouncy smile activated by collagen and elastin responding like it does in your second decade.

“Yes, I’d like a grande ‘deck-la-tey’, no wrinkles, and extra hot, please” I said.

“Excuse me?”, she responded with a puzzled look

-just like I did the first time I heard that word.

It was some time after Mother’s Day, my wedding anniversary, and my birthday, that are all clumped together at the end of spring, and I was at a day spa getting a facial.  You see, my family is well aware that they can’t go gift giving wrong by giving me a gift certificate to be rubbed on by a near stranger, all while being partially clothed if not fully nude, AND at the same time being completely left alone by those same people who love and know me so well.

I was lying there being pampered and asked her if she knew of some miracle cream I could rub on my chest. I went on to explain to her that I’ve had a few, minor, vertically placed wrinkles, smack dab between my breasts for some time now, after first waking up in the mornings, but that they had always resolved after a cup or 2 of coffee.

I went on to tell her that I was concerned that I was going to have to start setting my alarm clock an hour earlier, so that those same, vertically placed wrinkles, now nearing the height of my neck, would have time to clear before leaving for work.

She went on to say, “Yes, it can be very challenging to hide the signs of aging on the décolleté, especially if you are busty and a side sleeper”.

“Excuse me?” I said in my head and with my mind beginning to race. “Deco la what???” “Haven’t I seen that on the Starbucks menu?” and “How did I make it through an entire summer session of gross anatomy and never have to I.D. this part of the body?” Additionally, while I’am a side sleeper I’ve never considered myself busty-just well-proportioned for someone with a solid sized backside.

The word décolleté originated in France and while I’m not sure how they pronounce it there, in West Virginian it sounds like ‘deck la tey’ and it is also more fun to say it with a French accent.

She went on to destroy my hopes and dreams of a miracle cream but casually went on to describe a décolleté pillow that you can wear at night to decrease the morning wrinkles. I’ll admit, I didn’t hear a thing she said after that.

I couldn’t stop imagining me strapping on a bolster between my boobs then nonchalantly saying “goodnight” as I climbed into bed beside my husband, lying there, wearing his Snore Guard.  I mean, if we had that Tempur Pedic, split-king mattress that I’m saving up for, with duel remotes for personalized head and foot elevation, we would be nothing less than-

UNSTOPPABLE!

After that educational facial, I decided that I would use the word ‘décolleté’ 3 times every day in order to increase my vocabulary. It was fun and going well until my 8-year-old son asked me to please quit yelling across the public pool, “Come here Harrison, your precious, little décolleté is looking a tad pink and I believe needs some more sunscreen”.

So while I now rarely say the word, I think about it every night after wedging my body pillow snugly between my apparently busty breastacles. “What does a real décolleté pillow look like and how much do they cost?” I wonder as I lay there with my makeshift substitute. “Are they comfortable or like a bra that you can’t wait to take off as soon as you get home?”

I then quickly remind myself that while I’m sure I could order one through Amazon Prime and receive it in 2 days for free, the visual image would NOT help me to quit thinking about a décolleté pillow and how awkwardly amazing it might be to have one.

Hopefully, talking about this with you will help me forget about what I’ve been exposed to and finally let it go, once and for all!

However, if you have one and will admit to it, please private message me or give me a wink or thumbs up if we’re out in public, if you think I should get one because I’m missing out. Ok?

Haley staying warm in my decollete in the freezing cold IHOP while Rick contemplates what type of pancakes he is going to order.