A few nights ago I decided it was an utter shame that Haley had a perfectly good (and pretty) chest of drawers in her room that was not being put to use. Therefore, I decided to put all of her laundry, that was sitting in stacks on top of it, inside of it. Very easy… but oh so very hard for me to get done.
(This was her PawPaw’s when he was a boy. I glammed it up a bit with new knobs and fancy wallpaper in the background.)
Anyhow, I noticed a couple of pieces of white paper in the floor in front of her closet. At first I thought they were candy wrappers from a snack she had sneaked but upon further inspection I discovered that the “candy” wrapper said “Throw away! Do not eat!”
Immediately behind my first response of, “Where is Haley and is she ok?!!”, was, “You have got to be kidding me!” “Couldn’t she have chosen a more convenient time to eat shoe crystals?” “Who knows when another wave of motivation to put away laundry will hit.”
Now don’t get me wrong y’all, if I had found even a half-eaten box of rat d-CON, I’m sure I would have reacted with significantly more urgency and I hope I wouldn’t have had any thoughts about being inconvenienced. However, in the back of my mind I was sure that the Shoe and Drug Administration wouldn’t allow perfectly metered doses of vicious poison to be added to all new boxes of shoes. In addition, I decided that if I don’t have to show my ID and be monitored by the government every time I buy new shoes or a purse, like I do when I buy Sudafed, it couldn’t be that mind alteringly fabulous. This reasoning helped me to relax a bit.
“Haley?” “Can you come here for a minute please?” She walked in and looked at me kind of sheepishly as I stood there holding the torn open and empty package of shoe crystals.
“Did you eat this?” I questioned her.
She continued to look at me kind of blankly and I begin to wonder if she simply needed a few more lessons from her brother on “Pathological Lying and How to have Convincing Facial Expressions” or if the shoe crystals were starting to effect her. (Not to take away from this dramatic scenario but my most recent favorite pathological lie of Harrison’s was when he asked our new neighbors if he could walk their dog because he had been really sad and missing his since she died. Note: We have never owned a dog.)
I grabbed my laptop computer and Googled “will eating a package of shoe crystals kill you”. It was that easy. I had my answer; only seconds after hitting “Enter”. I only wished that putting away laundry was that easy for me.
I did begin to wonder what my mother would have done in this same situation before Google? I remember bringing home a sheet of Mr. Yuk stickers every year in Elementary school minus the two or three I enjoyed placing on my siblings’ backs while walking home from school. Seeing them unaware that they where wearing stickers that implied, “bad, danger, stay away”, NEVER got old. I repeat NEVER. Mom would of course been calling about one of them; I never would have eaten a little package of crystals from a box of new shoes. Duh. (Note to self: Ask mother-in-law about her son’s history of eating shoe crystals.)
I then imagined what it must have been like to call Mr. Yuk…
Hello???
Mr. Yuk???
I found your number on a green sticker on a box of rat d-CON that was of course locked away and stored up high.
Anyway, I just discovered that my daughter ate an entire package of shoe crystals!
Yes, she’s 3.
Height and weight? Let me see… don’t you have a chart in front of you or something that gives the average weight and height of a standard 3 year old? She is my third you know; so much to keep up with. (Enter nervous, embarrassed, and forced chuckle here) Details. Details.
Yes, the package did say, “Throw away! Do not eat!”
She’s 3? You heard me say that right?
Yes I can read! Are you trying to find fault and place blame during this emergency situation? Do you really think that is going to be helpful?
Well I guess you do. Do you know who else can read? Her father! Or does removing the packages of crystals from new shoe boxes and purses fall into the lap of the one who breastfed?
Well, just how settled down should I get considering my daughter might have possibly eaten a full dose of poison but we haven’t quite cleared that up yet because you don’t have an average weight and height chart in front of you!
Do you even have your eyes opened? Or are you still squinting? Huh?
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Stressful situations make me say whatever I’m thinking and I can’t hold it in.
Let’s start over and get on with this. OK?
No, I’m not trying to rush protocol. I’m just trying to decide if I need to put on my free Bluetooth from US Cellular, so I have both hands available to strap my average sized daughter into her car seat to head to the ER; all while continuing this cool, calm, and collective, conversation verses getting to sit back and look gratefully forward to some mild stomach cramping and a bout or two of diarrhea! That’s all I’m getting to.
Yes! She ate every single crystal!
No! She couldn’t have been hungry! She ate a well-balanced dinner, that I made for her!
Yes, I would consider her father and myself to be of at least average intelligence?
You’re telling me you’ve never torn open one of those little packages and weren’t at least tempted to taste one of those clear, sugary looking crystals!?
Whatever, I can tell you are lying straight to my ear!
Well maybe I am just misunderstanding you. I’m just upset and need I know what to expect and how to respond.
I’m sorry? What did you say? Maybe if you pulled your tongue in when you’re trying to talk to me we wouldn’t be having this so called “misunderstanding”?
You know Mr. Yuk, I’ve had about enough of this. If you’re still looking for someone to blame, I think it’s the society we live in today. We’ve taught our children that a soccer game, with six-minute quarters, requires a snack and a drink. That’s what the problem is! Why would my child, whose IQ I’m sure lies at least 1 standard deviation to the right of normal on a Bell curve, NOT think that the shoe company packed her a snack! Give me a break! If they didn’t want kids to eat it they should have put a picture of some broccoli or okra on it! Talk about tossing it to the side and moving on!
How bout you just give it up Mr. Yuk? What am I looking at?
So she’ll be fine? Nothing more than a little thirsty?
You know, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I really can’t wait to call you again. Well, at least to just chat it up a bit. It has been very lovely.
You know what? As soon as I get off the phone with you I getting on Pinterest. I’m sure that some organized, hypochondriac mother has designed a flawless form that I could laminate, and magnetically stick to my fridge. Then, bi-yearly I could update all three of my children’s heights and weights after simply wiping it clean effortlessly. That will for sure make my next major medical emergency so much more enjoyable.
So let me say it just one more time, Mr. Yuk, Thank you! You are the best and I’m sure you have very pretty eyes.
Haley (the shoe crystal eater) and Harrison (the pathological lier and avid balloon hat maker)
Who Dried My Jeans?! 